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The Adventures of Organometallo Man
These are the ongoing adventures of Organometallo Man. As you all know, Organometallo Man, who goes by the alias "Aicht Gee Oh Ay See Taken Twice," arose when an unsuspecting drunken lowlife wandered into the toxic chemical disposal room of a drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes.
The poor drunken old fool happened upon a large bottle of hydroborated waste, and mistaking it for Pineapple Schnapps', downed the whole container in a matter of seconds! The vice president of the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life of all people, including lowlifes, witnessed this event. Trying desperately to avoid a false advertising lawsuit, the vice president had the company scientists usher the lowlife into the darkest bowels of the experimental drug research and development department.
The lowlife had already begun suffering the toxicity effects typically experienced when 3 litres of organic waste are consumed (excitability, irritability, rash, foaming at the mouth, nausea, vomiting, abdominal discomfort, blue urine, auditory and visual hallucinations, sudden hair loss, and coma) by the time the scientists had strapped the man to the stretcher. The vice president, beginning to panic when he noticed this, was reassured by the scientists as they said, "We can rebuild him! We have the technology!" with a glint in their eye.
The scientists began to wrap the lowlife in Ace bandages from head to toe and lowered his body temperature lower than would normally be considered normal. And then... the organ-altering DRUGS! His heart was made to pump ether, his saliva became acetone, his brain grew transistors, his stomach craved gallium, and his toenails were changed to alum. But most importantly, his liver was altered to digest the organometallic compounds that he had ingested, and that his newly altered organs would produce as waste to become more efficient. Thus, he was known no longer as "drunken lowlife," but as "Organometallo Man," with the alias of "Aicht Gee Oh Ay See Taken Twice." A LEGEND WAS BORN!
His brain's new transistors were devoid of data, so the scientists took it upon themselves to program Organometallo Man's brain with the Spanish language. There is much conjecture and disagreement amongst the scholars and students of the Organometallo Man following as to the following story, but the most reliable sources believe that Organometallo Man's first words were a story told about a modern day Oedipus, in Spanish, of course. The story follows:
General: Buenas tardes, senor.
Professor: Como esta usted?
General: Bien, gracias. Permita usted que me presente; soy el General Rojo, el Rey de Espana y capitan de su personas! Y usted? Como se llama usted?
Professor: Me llamo el Grande Professor Puro Carne! Estudio ciencia de la cabeza a todas mas buenas universidades! Yo soy un psicologo. Yo escribo libros sobre ciencia de la cabeza. Les mi libros?
General: Uh, no, Profesor loco. No eres nada! Yo soy rey! Yo grito, y otros paises corren! Mire a un mapa, y mi Espana es mas grande pais en el mapa!
Professor: Tu cabeza es un huevo revuelto! Veo el mapa, y tu Espana es mas pequeno pais en el mapa! Estoy riendo a tu!
General: Yo soy rey! No rio a otras personas. Muchachos y muchachas rien a otras personas. Yo soy un grande hombre! Mi madre llama me un grande muchacho! Uh, hombre! Si, hombre!
Professor: Ah, ya entiendo! Tu eres tan loco como Oedipus! General, cuantos anos tienes?
General: Tengo treinta y seis anos. Por que?
Professor: No es nada. Tu madre es importante por tu, verdad?
General: Si. Ella es una grande mujer. Ella es la reina de el rey!
Professor: Arriba! El realmente es Oedipus! Grande General Rojo, quien es tu esposa?
General: Uh, cuento te esta verdad: Mi hijo es mi hermano; y mi hija es mi hermana! Tambien, mi tio es mi cunado, y mi tia es mi cunada! Me gusta mi madre!
Professor: Yo puedo que ayudar te, pero no ayudo te. Tu eres demasiado contento ahora.
General: Por que lo dice usted?
Professor: Porque nunca ayudo contentas personas, aunque ellos son enfermos y locos.
General: Es mas dificil do lo que usted piensa ser me. Yo soy rey!
Professor: Tengo nauseas!
General: Tu tienes nauseas, professor? Lo siento, profesor. Permitame presentarle a mi madre. Ella es la mejor enfermera en el mundo!
Professor: No! No! El gusto no es mio!
General: Permitame presentarle a mi hermana y hija, Antigone! Le gusta mi!
Professor: No! Tambien, el gusto no es mio! Ella hace me pensar de Elektra!
General: Si! Es estupendo, no?
Professor: Uh, no. No tengo razon. Tu cabeza no es un huevo revuelto! Tu cabeza es un huevo frito! De donde sois???
General: Triste professor! Nosotros somos originalmente de antiguo Greco!
Professor: De que hablas?
General: Nosotros tenemos maquina de epoca y somos en Espana ahora!!
Professor: Uh, General Rojo, un hombre puede de Greco nacionalidad ser rey de Espana? Es sobre el derecho, no? En el Estados Unidos, una persona quien no es del Estados Unidos no puede ser el presidente.
General: Quien sabe quien realmente soy? Yo soy rey y yo secuestro me cae mal alguien quien! Heheheh! Yo soy mal, no? Te cae bien yo, professor?
Professor: Uh, si! Si! Te muy cae bien yo!
Professor: No. Tu eres, realmente?
General: Yo soy alguien! Yo soy rey de Espana!
Professor: Uh, tienes razon... ha! He tenido un verdadero gusto.
General: No vayas, profesor! Tu eres muy simpatico y divertido!
Professor: Tengo que ir ahora! Hasta la vista. Espero nunca.
General: Tambien, nos gusta tu!
Professor: NO! Tengo que ir!
General: Muy bien. Hasta la vista, profesor.
TRANSLATIONS OF THIS STORY FIRST TOLD BY THE GREAT ORGANOMETALLO MAN ARE AVAILABLE! EMAIL firstname.lastname@example.org WITH THE MESSAGE "OEDIPUS TRANSLATION" IN THE SUBJECT: HEADING.
The scientists of the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes, were greatly impressed by the capacity of Organometallo Man's brain transistors to simulate creativity and to comprehend and produce language in real time. In actuality, though, the scientists should have been more impressed by Organometallo Man's creativity alone, for his Spanish grammar contained slight mistakes and syntax errors. Nevertheless, the non-Spanish- speaking scientists heard the faulty Spanish of Organometallo Man and thought that it was good.
The scientists were desirous of the knowledge of how Organometallo Man would react to various substances that were typically harmful or produced odd effects in humans and other animals. So the scientists locked themselves into private chambers until they could come up with a substance that they all agreed was the most unusual and most potentially harmful to human life. The scientists emerged 65 hours later, and announced that they would give Organometallo Man a 10 gallon bucket full of all the different kinds of canned luncheon meats they could find. This mixture included Spam (regular and devilled), Treet, and a no brand name variety manufactured by an obscure company known as "Cowtail." Organometallo Man consumed the whole bucket in a period of 10 days without ever refrigerating the remaining contents of the bucket.
The scientists went in to interview Organometallo Man so as to ascertain his status. After the slight impasse of dealing with Organometallo Man's breath (a mediciny mouthwash was the second substance that was questionable to human life given to Organometallo Man), the scientists had a lengthy discussion with Organometallo Man about world politics. They considered world politics to be a rather fickle subject, and took Organometallo Man's views to symbolise his state of mind. He seemed to rather approve of the idea of the existence of a declining capitalist country overwhelmed by debt that it owed to itself, and thought that the existence of such a country was not only logical, but necessary for the "smooth flow" of history. The scientists of the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes, gave Organometallo Man a clean bill of health.
The scientists of the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes, saw an historic opportunity with Organometallo Man. They saw themselves and the drug company with two alternatives for living up to their name. First, they could continue as always, improving the way of life for all people, including lowlifes, by creating drugs that would preserve the bodies of their clients. Organometallo Man made possible the second alternative for the scientists. Now, instead of trying to preserve the fragile bodies of their clients, they could improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes, by changing the bodies of their clients to better survive in their environment. This was considered an ingenious method for speeding up evolution by the scientists. They began running numerous experiments around the clock on Organometallo Man to fully understand his body's workings, and to learn how to invoke Organometallo Man's changes at a cost less than $6 million.
Now, secretly within the confines of the semi-organic transistors of his altered brain, Organometallo Man grew tired of the multitude of tests run on him by the scientists claiming to be of the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes. Because even though the scientists had originally improved the way of life of the lowlife that had become Organometallo Man by saving his life for one, they had forgotten to keep improving his way of life after they had saved it, for Organometallo Man's way of life was not improved by being fed only canned meat for a week, nor by being prodded constantly with tests and probes. Organometallo Man discovered that he could think more quickly than he used to, and though this was not very fast to begin with, he was still pretty sure he had just a bit more aptitude about him than those pesky scientists did. He also noted his improved physical strength when he absorbed metal containing substances such as staples, nails, thermometers, light bulb filaments, and pocket change. Little did Organometallo Man know, this was due to his altered organ tissues producing organometallic compounds in order to obtain more energy from less food. Even though these chemical reactions are the essential property of Organometallo Man that make him Organometallo Man, no more of the details of this phenomenon will be mentioned, probably for a very long time. Thus, you should get it while the getting is good, and learn all you can now.
Ah, but it's too late!
Organometallo Man began to plan his escape from the drug company that promised to improve the quality of life for all people, including lowlifes.
--To be continued--
Go home, amigo.
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